Filling up.

I feel crazy! Posting comments without fully thinking through the repercussions of opinion and reputation on Facebook! Unheard of! But this is how it goes when all the excitement and expectation, coupled with an incredible weekend charged with God and beauty and friends and bonding, explodes into a new devotional life and a new life in general.

Persevering through the first day of the dreaded senior year, praying and feeling God moving so close to me, and striving for patience with my family - but it's good! Great!

And it will continue. I am determined, desperate, for it to continue.

Three Things.

Getting back into baking... Alexa and I went to IKEA and also FiveBelow and Pier 1, and I bought a chocolate cookbook. All I did after coming home that evening was salivate over the pictures - a picture for every recipe!! I was stoked. I am stoked. In fact, I am extremely stoked, having just devoured enough chocolate to feed a small African country.

Which is why I am on the internet, after a five-day hiatus. Feels good! Actually not really. I am getting into an internet rut, lurking mostly on Facebook and my various comic websites. Getting back into Deviantart after a five-month hiatus. Getting back into a lot of things, actually.

Feels good, like I said. I need this: this chocolate and anonymous friendships. Lots of things don't feel good at all right now.

1. Growing up. It's painful. I watched The Breakfast Club for the first time ever (OH MY GOSH. It's one of my favorites now.) and the black-haired girl who hooks up with Emilio Estevez said, "When you grow up, your heart dies." Oh man. Why does that feel so true? I know it's not, not completely at least, but LORD, it feels like it.

2. Opening my mind. Also painful. I like my pre-conceived notions and letting go of them is incredibly difficult. My fingernails are dug in deep, man. These new horizons are like razors, cutting me to the bone.

3. Softening my heart. Painful. I've been building walls around my heart quietly, peacefully, unknowingly, and now that they're coming down, I feel so naked and vulnerable. I mean, missing someone isn't just occasionally thinking of them once in a while - it's a day-to-day reminder that they're not here today and it's piercingly painful.

Ah well. That's how life is, isn't it? Painful? But pain forces us to grow. That's what I know, and it's really all I've been repeating to myself all day. It's working...but I think the chocolate worked better.

Anyway. Goodnight, my non-existent readers. Thanks for sticking with me through these past couple years.

Bookends

The Walls Are Coming Down - Fanfarlo
First Train Home - Imogen Heap
The Bottom of the Barrel - Amos Lee
Precious Stone - Pete Yorn
Come with Me - Bob Schneider
Any One's Ghost - The National



It's been a week of strange emotions, halfway into it. Monday I nearly fell over from the need to be with my second family, going somewhere where I know with all my heart that I was supposed to go to. I tried to drown my sorrows in housework, and that worked to an extent because I awoke happy the next morning. As the day progressed, I worked on decorating the ceiling above my bed so I could wake up to visions of color, pineapples, and lyrics.



This morning, I puttered around the house, listening to music and drinking my lovely tea. It took me a day and a half to gather enough courage to look at the video blogs of the mission trip, for fear of how they would affect me. I shouldn't have waited so long; they relieved me. I saw all their faces and laughed at their little idiosyncrasies, and now feel free to dive into my music and small projects.


Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key - Billy Bragg
Crossfire - Brandon Flowers
One Wing - Wilco
Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National
Guiding Light - Muse
Savior - Lights

Smaller and Smaller.

Oh how the little things

Strengthen my tiny wings

Help me to take on the world

When you love me there's nothing I wouldn't try

I might even fly

I might even fly

I might even fly

Small Thoughts Fill My Head.

Replenishing my small picture supply and basking in the glow of sweet new music, courtesy of my friend Katelyn. She's a keeper. Lots of thoughts this past week, thoughts and occurrences that will sustain me as the Edge empties out a little for the next two weeks.

I feel so small nowadays, like the influence of all those moment-frozen icons is finally seeping into actual life. Since becoming more active, I've begun to shake and shimmy down into those old jeans; I feel my relationships with friends expanding and maturing.

I feel like I'm riding my own brain waves into a new horizon.