To People Again

i'm glad you're tired. because i'm tired too. i'm tired of wanting things so badly that i can't remember my reasons for wanting them. i thought i knew what i was supposed to do--i mean, i was sure because there was this peace and i wasn't feeling guilty and it was like i was holding a glowing circle in the center of my heart, but then you had to be logical and make me doubt myself because of my word choice.

and now i can't remember (as usual). i can't remember why exactly i felt like i did, and if it even was real or maybe just all in my head again, and why does it matter so much to me whether or not this is god's perfect will, anyway? why does it have to matter so much? why can't i just say, "let's do this," and do it without worrying whether the other path would have been better?

god. hi. it's hard to know when you're talking to me nowadays. i mean, it always was, but now i can't remember much past the things that i cement in my memory purposefully and the bad things. it didn't use to be that way. i would forget all the bad and remember little details.

i just want to have what i see crinkle and the other have: a close-enough-to-touch love for you. and i do; i must, otherwise i wouldn't struggle so with the right-according-to-your-will way. but i guess i want to love you enough to actually be affected by you in daily life, not just big-time decisions.

there. i was honest. i'm not crying. i'm thinking clearly. please meet me.

and you, my dear one, i can't talk to anymore. i look at you and a great anger, perhaps even bitterness, rises up within me. i can't explain it other than you not listening to me. or maybe you are, and i'm not hearing myself. whatever it is, i think i'm hitting adolescence late.

anyway. bye.