Going Big; Feeling Small.

Tomorrow is the morning that I've been praying about and half-dreading, half-anticipating for the past two weeks. Tomorrow morning, I will leap out beyond anything I would normally do and trust my landing to the Lord.

Even as I plan and pray to go big, I feel so small.

What will I say; what will they think; why do I care what they think; I do care what they think; why am I doing this; God, I hope You are pleased; everything that my new nature does is pleasing to You - I have to remember that; help me wake up early enough; don't let me fall back in cowardice; I'm so scared; I'm so excited.

And I've never felt so alive, and so dead.

Well, God, this is me. Right here: ready to do something, trying hard - no. Training to be more like You. This is where I've failed (again), in this training department. I haven't talked to You seriously in a few days, ditto regarding reading Your Words. Actually, I've been falling back into my old ways slowly and surely.

But not again; never again. Please God, I need to feel Your hand as I go outside tomorrow, clean and trembling in the piercing morning sun. Let me return home triumphant - or at least more confident in Your presence. Give me the words and the actions to reach the ones who have been moving around me for years. Please, God! I am so insufficient. I am so insecure, continually fumbling for some kind of solid ground that I can see.

It's not about seeing, though, is it? It's about the evidence of things hoped for, and the substance of things unseen. I hope that, regardless of the opinions of others and of myself, that Your love is poured out tomorrow morning and every morning and every day following that day, until it touches everyone in this community. I don't see it yet, but the substance of it is here in my heart, and in this small vision that I feel bubbling in my belly.

God, finish my faith! You have begun a good work in me, and I pray that You would continue it for Your glory. Ah, Lord. Make me bold. Don't let me tremble in the face of opposition or ridicule. I care not! It is Your pleasure and Your will alone that goads me on, that gives me the grace day to day to continue breathing and sinning and falling and rising and being imperfect but striving towards perfection as long as I live.

If You told me to do this, then I can bear it. You give me as much as I can bear, and I believe that everywhere I go, You are there with me.

I'm...
scared and a little weak, but sure in the hope that is the glory of God, and confident of His resurrection power working in me. If I have nothing else, I always am secure in the center of His hand, and there all the riches of heaven and earth reside.

He cares for the sparrows and clothes the flowers... will He not incline His eyes towards me and my concerns? And, even with those concerns - He tells me to cast them upon Him, for He cares for me.

Blessed assurance! Jesus is mine.
Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

This is my story; this is my song -
Praising my Savior all the day long!
This is my story; this is my song -
Praising my Savior all the day long.